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Pre-Separation Mediation

Trying to save your marriage but not sure how to go about it? You may have tried marriage counselling or one of you may be resistant to it. Or, one of you may have decided it’s over and need to tell the other. Pre-separation mediation may be for you.

What is Pre-Separation Mediation?

As a professional mediator specialising in keeping families healthy during separation, I have worked with so many couples where one or both of them are not quite ready to take that final step and end their marriage. They understand what a big decision it is and they would like to try everything before taking that final step. Or, one of them has decided it’s over but needs help telling the other. Pre-Separation Mediation gives them the opportunity to make new agreements about what each of them needs to make the marriage last, or to separate respectfully.  It’s not counselling but rather a future-focused process that gives them a structured plan they have developed together.

How does it work?

Each member of the couple meets with me individually in the first instance, so I can assess their individual positions and aspirations. Then, I bring them together to establish agreement about what it is they envisage they would need to do to make their relationship sustainable, or to end it with kindness. We document and sign these understandings in a mediation agreement so there is no miscommunication. Many couples tell me that having a tangible document to which they can refer over the coming months helps them to stay on track and avoid conflict. How is it different from marriage counselling?

Some couples find marriage counselling a drawn-out process and prefer not to dissect everything that ever went wrong in the past. They may prefer a more outcomes-based, future-focussed process that has agreed time-lines, benchmarks and behavior expectations clearly set out.

Attending marriage counselling may, or may not be, one of the agreements that a couple agrees to in their pre-separation mediation. If it is, we set expectations around that – timeframes, choice of therapist, anticipated outcomes, deal-breakers, etc. I can refer them to the right professional for their particular situation.

    Other examples of agreements that can emerge from the pre-separation mediation can include:
  • rules around acceptable communication;
  • conflict resolution and argument de-escalation expectations;
  • how to protect the children and what to tell them;
  • managing the influence of extended family members;
  • interim financial agreements;
  • who sleeps where – for now;
  • when they will meet with me again to ascertain their next moves;
  • decisions about when, and if, to get legal advice.
  • If a physical, trial separation is agreed upon, we establish the game plan (who is moving out and for how long? How is the second residence financed? Is it acceptable to date during this period?) We put all this on a timeline and agree to follow-up dates to review agreements.

The general rule-of-thumb is ‘no sudden moves’.

Everything is mutually agreed and understood by both parties so no one person feels the other is doing something without their knowledge or consent.

Why try pre-separation mediation?

Our focus is on saving the marriage and protecting the children. Couples who choose this process believe their marriage is important and don’t want to end it without really engaging in trying to save it, first.

In the event they eventually do decide to separate, it is with mutual agreement. They arrive at that decision respectfully and together. In these situations, individuals often report they are more reconciled with the decision as they tried everything before deciding to separate.

Then What?

If a couple ultimately decide to stay together, they do so under new rules of engagement. They might come back in for follow up sessions periodically, or as and when needed. Those who ultimately separate may wish to be referred to legal representation or back to the lawyer who initially referred them to me.

Some couples continue with the mediation but the focus shifts to their separation and parenting plans. This avoids high legal costs and keeps their post-separation parenting relationship intact. Either way, I find their separations to be less acrimonious and litigious than couples that separate less kindly. Importantly, this means better outcomes for their children.

Decided to Separate?

For those who have already separated but want to prioritise optimal outcomes for their children, we specialise in developing child-focussed and highly customised parenting plans in a process known as FDR. Family Dispute Resolution is a specialised mediation process designed specifically to assist separating families make decisions about the best-interests of their children and how to divide their property.

Family Dispute Resolution may also resolve disputes arising between parents and adult children, siblings, parents grandparents and children, step-families and other extended family members.

FDR satisfies all the requirements of the Family Law Act 1975. Our Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners (FDRPs) are all Nationally Accredited and meet the standards in the Family Law (Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners) Regulations 2008, and are approved by the Federal Attorney general to issue Section 60I certificates.

At Resolution Partners, we culturally sensitive and can provide interpreter services, as necessary.

We work with traditional and non-traditional families, recognising that the traditional nuclear family is just one of the many types of family units that may need our assistance through a period of family separation.

The Process

The process for mediation begins with an intake/pre-mediation session for each party. After the first party has attended their session, the mediator will invite the other party to attend. Each party will have a confidential session with a mediator, without the other party present. The purpose is for the mediator to understand the issues that are important to you and to understand what you believe to be in the best interests of your children. It will also be your opportunity to learn more about the FDR process, parenting plans, and your options if you fail to reach an agreement.

Once both parties have attended a pre-mediation session, and the matter has been assessed as appropriate for mediation, a mediation will be scheduled.

Timeframes

We can usually offer intake/pre-mediation session within a day or two of an enquiry being made. Pre-mediation sessions for urgent matters can often be accommodated within 1 business day. We are proud to offer mediations without lengthy delays or waiting lists and usually have availability within 7 days.

FDR

Property

  • Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners (mediators) cannot and do not provide legal advice. Throughout the process, parties are encouraged to seek legal advice from their lawyer.
  • For those who would like their lawyer present during mediation, we offer lawyer-assisted mediations
  • Agreements reached regarding property are documented in a mediation agreement. Agreements signed at mediation can be converted into consent orders with the Family Court.

Parenting

  • Agreed time and care arrangements for children can be documented in a parenting plan that is signed by both parties.
  • The signed parenting plan can be converted into consent orders with the Family Court.

On-Going Support

We monitor your children with you over time and can make adjustments to the plans to suit your child’s or children’s adjustment, as needed. We have a team of family professionals, including:

  • General and clinical psychologists
  • Family report writers and educators
  • Social workers
  • Parenting Co-ordinators
  • Educators in child-development and post-separation communication
  • And referral options to family lawyer specialists and collaborative law practitioners, where necessary.

Parents who want their children to thrive, not just survive need two essential ingredients after separation:  child-focussed communication and low conflict. We’ll show you how.

Sometimes it is important to hear about how a child or adolescent is experiencing his or her parent’s separation. In this instance, we use a child-inclusive mediation.

What is Child Inclusive Practice?

Child Inclusive Practice involves children from four years of age & up to be included in the mediation process by meeting with a qualified Child Consultant. This process is particularly useful when separated parents cannot agree on what they believe to be in the best interest of their child or children.

A Child Consultant meets with your child or teenager to gain an understanding of how the separation affects them. They use through age and stage appropriate play and discussion. The Child Consultant will also meet with the parents where, with your child’s permission, their views and feelings will be conveyed and considered.

What is the process for Child Inclusive Practice?

Our child inclusive process follows the following steps:

1. Each parent meets individually with the mediator, Dr Anne Purcell for a one hour, confidential intake/pre-mediation session. Dr Purcell specialises in high conflict family mediations and achieving optimal outcomes for children after divorce or separation. This intake session lasts approximately one hour. The purpose of this session is to assess the matter for suitability for FDR and to discuss the potential of a child-inclusive process;

2. Both parents meet with the mediator together. The purpose of this 2 hour session is raise the issues and concerns of both parents and to discuss how and what to say to the children about the child-inclusive process, so that each parent is saying the same thing to the children about their involvement. In the event it is assessed by the mediator that a child inclusive process is appropriate, the matter proceeds to the next step;

3. Parents and children each meet with a Child Consultant, a doctor of clinical psychology, specialising in families, children and adolescents, and separation. These sessions take about 45 minutes – 1 hour each. The children are not needed after this step so parent often arrange to have them collected and taken back to school, where appropriate;

4. On the same day as step 3, a child inclusive mediation occurs and lasts 4 hours. This involves both parents, the child consultant and the mediator. The children are not present. The Child Consultant delivers feedback and makes recommendations to the parents about the child’s needs. During this session, our Child Consultant will provide feedback as to how your child or child is coping with the separation and provide you with any key messages your child would like you to know. 

Mediation then follows. The purpose is to establish a child-focussed parenting agreement, in light of the information gleaned from the child’s feedback.

Further Information

How can Child Inclusive practice assist in the Mediation process?

  • Gives your child/children a voice where they are able to safely express their thoughts and feelings on how the separation or existing care arrangements affect them
  • Assists your child/children with their post separation journey and their relationship with each of their parents
  • Allows your child/children to inform a decision making process without placing the burden of decision making on them
  • Helps parents to understand and consider their child’s/children’s position and supports the parents to be the best that they can be
  • Ensures that the Mediation process is focussed on the best interests of the child/children.

Some important things to know about the Child Inclusive session:

  • The session is confidential and permission is needed from your child before their views and feelings are conveyed to you. The Child Consultant will ask your child what they would like Mum and Dad to know.
  • Children are told that even though they tell our Child Consultant what they want, it doesn’t guarantee it will happen. Some decisions are for parents to make and young people’s feelings are considered in this process.
  • The message that you want to include your child in this process because their thoughts and feelings are important to you is reinforced.

This is a brief overview, only. Please call Dr Purcell for more information.

Resources for your children

Protecting Kids Through Divorce

Little Children, Big Challenges: Divorce

Divorce can be a big challenge for both children and parents. Though times may be difficult, children can emerge feeling loved and supported. You can all grow through these family changes and discover just how strong you really are. You are not alone. Family, friends, neighbours, and others are there to offer support. Here are some tools to help your child through your divorce. 

Parents don't live together anymore.

Sometimes parents decide that it is best to live in separate houses. It is not because of you (or your brothers or sisters), but because sometimes it works better for families when parents have different places. Your parents love you very much and want you to be happy. The video below has been developed for kids aged 5-8 to explain what happens when they have to see a family consultant at the Court.